Englishman:  I think I'll buy that car, it seems to be in pretty good nick.

Me:  Did someone say my name?

English Woman:  Did you see him?  He looks like a hard man.

American Woman:  Checking out his package?

American Woman:  I had my interview today for the new job.

Englishman:  I'm guessing by the look on your face that you cocked it up with the interviewer?

American Woman:  *slap*  What kind of woman do you think I am?!

Englishman:  Oh bollocks.  Do you have a plaster?

American:  Need to repair a wall?

Englishman:  With a plaster?  Are you bloody nuts?

Englishman:  So then, Andy fell down the stairs on the way into the pub last night, and everyone spent the entire night taking the piss out of him.

American:  You catheterized him at a bar?  What kind of weirdos are you?

American:  Would you care for some biscuits and gravy?

Englishman:  You put gravy on your biscuits?  That doesn't sound very appetizing.

American:  Dinner was delicious.  Thank you.

Englishman:  Would you like some afters?

American:  After what?

Englishman:  Afters after what?

American:  Are you stuttering?

American:  So where do your kids go to school?

Englishman:  I send them to a public school.

American:  Government funded education is awful, I'm sorry to hear that.

Englishman:  Public school isn't government funded.

American:  It isn't?

Scotsman:  Are you sure?

Englishman:  Do you have a rubber that I can borrow?

American:  Here you go, but you can keep it.  I don't want it back after you've used it.

Englishman:  Why did you give me a Durex?

Englishman: Do you know that geezer over there?

American:  Oh come on, he's not that old.

Australian:  Do you have any Durex?

Englishman: Going to have a shag tonight?

American:  Huh?

Australian:  What?  I just want to hang up a drawing.

American:  How is your project going?

Englishman:  It's going off like a bomb!

American:  It's bombing?  I'm sorry to hear that.

Englishman:  What are you talking about?

American:  What are you talking about?

American:  I just went to the dentist and got some candy floss.  It tastes like cinnamon.

Englishman:  A dentist gave that to you?  Isn't it bad for your teeth?

Englishman:  I'm going to go ride the tube.

American:  Are you going to do that before or after you blow a fag?

Englishman: I hate sleeping policemen*.  I just ran over one, and I think it ruined my suspension.

American: Oh my God!  Was he hurt?

* As a small aside, in California we called them Mexican Stop Signs.